Hard day

Today has been hard. Mostly I miss G so much and wish he could be here for me. But he has made the call that the new person in his life is more important. That is ok, but inside it hurts. More than it should , we have been apart for 3 years now, by my choice. I just want to at the very least be able to call him. He can easily make me smile and feel better, always. Life sure sucks sometimes.

Cheno number 2 down

Along with me. My blood pressure has been trying to stay out of wack, I can't seem to get my diastolic below 80 where it should stay so now I am on blood pressure meds. For my general health it should stay that low, but for the clinical trial it must stay that low. I think at one point it spiked to 165/103 or so. NOT GOOD. But considering the circumstances I think anyones would have spiked up.
While waiting for the pressure to drop my nurse had been filling me up with a hydrating saline solution. Then I could begin my Taxotere wich I take first. Well , as it started to go in I began to feel strange like something was stuck in my throat or esophagus area, definitely some pressure feeling. We are supposed to tell the nurse if we feel anything weird or strange however small, So I said to her, "I feel kind of weird"..."I"... and bamn that was all I could say cause then I couldn't breathe AT ALL. My nurse , Fran quicky turned off my taxotere and administered a benedryl injection and some steroid called solumedrol. Also she put some oxygen on my nose for better breathing, I felt better almost right away, just a litle scared that all of the nurses came over to make sure I was ok, then point at how red my face was and then point to bright red objects and say "you're face was that red!"
New drugs this week, something for B/P, and this time something for anxiety. It is for when I cant sleep from the dexamethasone I am taking to not have allergic reactions... hmm those sorta didnt work well this time.

Hair has pretty much fallen all out and I am a scarve hat lady, though I have seen some nice wigs lateley... hmm.

Other news, the neighbors had a fire that came across to this side of the fence. No damage to the shed that sits there, I think he(the neighbor) hosed it down while waiting for the fire fighters. So the fiefighters leave having cleared the area with a dirt break so nothing could escape during the night and burn more. Well around nine I took a peak outside and see that the fence up the hill is still burning . So the neighbor was awakened fire was buketted out the end.

Updates

So as I said before chemo went well. Until the Monday afterwards. I got pretty sick and had to leave work. Mostly it was diarhea, which I have meds for so I got back on track by Tuesday.
By this time I also started to develop a rash, which has turned out to be a type of acne. This is a reaction to the herceptin. Herceptin attacks a protein that my type of cancer uses more aggressively, but also this is a protein your skin needs too. So I now have an acne prescription too. This isnt normal acne, it covers my neck, chest and now face and scalp. It is painful and annoying.
Got some more emails from G. He seems to be truly happy and moving forward. He keeps implying he is seeing someone and wants to tell me about it. This is so hard to hear as I still love him. But since I do love him I really want him happy. I told him I probably need to hear about this new person in his life because I need to move forward too. I keep thinking that somehow we will get back together. But that sort of thing doesn't just "happen". Boy do I still need to really grow up. If I wanted to get back together I would probably actually have to tell him that ... uh yeah.
He went on about how he has moved forward because I havent needed him so far through this cancer thing, and he sees now that I am ok without him. So I of course blabbed how I do need him I just wont allow myself to actually ask for his help. This is the truth but may have totally beena killjoy to his new attitude in life. I should have been able to keep my mouth shut and let him bask in his happiness, I have a way to go in the growth department. I want to be able to feel joy in his joy, but its hard.

One down...

Had my first chemo yesterday. It went really well. No reactions or nausea. I take 4 chemo drugs so I was there a long time. Since each drug is given seperately via IV, the process takes about 4 hours minimum, more like 5. The drugs I take are Taxotere, Carbo, Herceptin and Avastin.
The Avastin is a clinical trial drug I am on. It is usualy used for more advanced cancers but there is a trial to see how it does for earlier stages like mine (2b).
I am really suprised at how well I feel. I think the anti-nausea meds really help with that. I also am taking a steroid (dexamethasone) so I dont develop any antibodies (allergies) to the drugs. I take that for a total of three days surrounding the days of chemo. That makes sleeping a bit difficult. I woke up around 3 this morning fully awake and couldn't go back to bed. The nurse offered me a pill for that but I think for 3 days I can go without that.

Port is in

I had my power port placed on Thursday. It was more painful than I had expected. Supposedly because I am young (relatively), my connective tissue in my chest is a bit tough so the port was difficult to insert. The port is a device that is used so that my veins dont get punctured (too much) and potentially harmed from the chemo treatments I will be getting every three weeks. It is placed below my collar bone and one end goes right into my jugular vein. that part was the most uncomfortable. Feeling something in your jugular vein gives the weirdest tightening sensation in my neck. The good part is it is completely below my skin so is not visible at all.

My first chemo is Friday this week. I am not too nervous. A friend is going with me. The first time it is important to have someone along just to see how I will react to the chemicals put into me. Plus the 40 mile drive back home will be alot better if I am not alone.

Not much else going on except I go back to work this week. Supposedly, the hardest part of this whole process is keeping a job while going through chemo. I hope I can do it because this job's health insurance is top notch and I am not sure what I would do w/o it.

I am thinking of getting a short, short hair cut. Trying to decide if I should do it before the first chemo or not. We will see. I haven't had short hair since I was about 16 to 20 years old.. the 80's.

Chemo getting closer

Chemo will start April 6th. I wish it were sooner. I just want to get started. I still have more tests and Doctor's appointments and that is why the first chemo isn't sooner. Bone scans, chest scans, all sorts of tests still ahead, plus a port. A port is something available to me to allow the chemo to be more easily entered into my body. Since my lymph removal was on my right side, it is no longer a good idea to get any injections in the right arm. So my left arm is now where blood is taken and injections given. My left arm just isn't as good of a vein place as my right arm is , so considering my chemo will be about a year, I am choosing the port. It is supposed to make the chemo a little easier, no need to find my vein every time and all of that.

In my non-cancer world things are just ok. I am still off from work, and got my first paycheck w/o the SDI in it. it was about 40 percent of my regular pay. Hopefully the disability check will come soon. I don't want to get too far behind in pay. I am fortunate to not live paycheck to paycheck, but not getting 60% of my check is disconcerting.
Also got an email from G today. He flew for the first time in 18 years. When we were together in college he developed a healthy fear of flying. We never went anywhere exciting due to this. All of our vacations involved driving. I am so proud that he overcame this. I wish I had been with him. I wish that every day. I just can't seem to get past that part though, just the wishing. I had a realization the other day, that I may never be able to forgive myself for leaving him. Even if he wanted to get back together I wonder if I could get past my guilt and let us be happy again. I know I need to get past this especially now with my health a concern. I truly believe that our mental health affects our physical health in more ways than we know. I don't get sad about my cancer or cry about it, but I cry almost every day for the loss of my marriage and the people I no longer have in my life because of that loss. I just hope I can stay positive about the cancer when I am so down about my loss of G.

Post Surgery

Well, it has now been almost 3 weeks since my mastectomy. Two lymph nodes tested positive for cancer. That means all of the lymph nodes under my right arm were removed. I am planning on getting my drain removed today. Once the drain only has 30mls in a 24 hour period the drain can come out. This weekend it dropped below 30 and so I am going in to get it out. It will be nice to take a full shower again. Now I can really focus on getting my arm movement fully back as well.
A friend and her father are travelling to New Zealand to go on a 5 week bike tour.
http://bikingkiwiland.blogspot.com/

I went to school with Adria and she was in my brother's class in high school. Her dad was principal for a while at one of the schools. I hope they have the best time. I love seeing people who do something rather than just dream or talk about it.

Hello

This blog was supposed to be about my journey into the Peace Corps. At least that is where or how I chose the name for the blog. Finding my voice, was about my search for myself and what I am about. You see , in school when you are writing a paper the teacher would say something like "who is your audience?" or something like that. I have tried several times to write a blog and would stumble as I didn't know who my audience was or should be. I wasn't sure what kind of blog I wanted to write, just that I do want to share parts of my life with people. However there are other parts I don't want to share. But one sometimes has very little control over who reads these things. So I will try not to use real names but I imagine at some point I will give that up and not care anymore who reads what. Or at least , that is my hope.

So here goes. This week I was diagnosed with Her2+/neu breast cancer. As you can imagine , I was pretty shocked. I am 40 years old and have been a pretty healthy person all of my life.
So my current Peace Corps goals are on hold, there may be a chance in the future depending on if I can stay cancer free over a certain amount of time, but I am more focused right now on just getting better, then seeing what happens.

The week after next I am going in for a mastectomy. Just one breast so far. The surgeon will also check and remove lymph nodes for any sign the cancer has or is starting to spread from my breast. Other treatments haven't been fully discussed yet. My surgeon said that most likely since I am younger that I will be getting chemo.
I am keeping this blog now for myself as a journal to record the process of what I am currently going through.
Maybe along the way I will find my voice.