Chemo getting closer

Chemo will start April 6th. I wish it were sooner. I just want to get started. I still have more tests and Doctor's appointments and that is why the first chemo isn't sooner. Bone scans, chest scans, all sorts of tests still ahead, plus a port. A port is something available to me to allow the chemo to be more easily entered into my body. Since my lymph removal was on my right side, it is no longer a good idea to get any injections in the right arm. So my left arm is now where blood is taken and injections given. My left arm just isn't as good of a vein place as my right arm is , so considering my chemo will be about a year, I am choosing the port. It is supposed to make the chemo a little easier, no need to find my vein every time and all of that.

In my non-cancer world things are just ok. I am still off from work, and got my first paycheck w/o the SDI in it. it was about 40 percent of my regular pay. Hopefully the disability check will come soon. I don't want to get too far behind in pay. I am fortunate to not live paycheck to paycheck, but not getting 60% of my check is disconcerting.
Also got an email from G today. He flew for the first time in 18 years. When we were together in college he developed a healthy fear of flying. We never went anywhere exciting due to this. All of our vacations involved driving. I am so proud that he overcame this. I wish I had been with him. I wish that every day. I just can't seem to get past that part though, just the wishing. I had a realization the other day, that I may never be able to forgive myself for leaving him. Even if he wanted to get back together I wonder if I could get past my guilt and let us be happy again. I know I need to get past this especially now with my health a concern. I truly believe that our mental health affects our physical health in more ways than we know. I don't get sad about my cancer or cry about it, but I cry almost every day for the loss of my marriage and the people I no longer have in my life because of that loss. I just hope I can stay positive about the cancer when I am so down about my loss of G.