Hard day

Today has been hard. Mostly I miss G so much and wish he could be here for me. But he has made the call that the new person in his life is more important. That is ok, but inside it hurts. More than it should , we have been apart for 3 years now, by my choice. I just want to at the very least be able to call him. He can easily make me smile and feel better, always. Life sure sucks sometimes.

Cheno number 2 down

Along with me. My blood pressure has been trying to stay out of wack, I can't seem to get my diastolic below 80 where it should stay so now I am on blood pressure meds. For my general health it should stay that low, but for the clinical trial it must stay that low. I think at one point it spiked to 165/103 or so. NOT GOOD. But considering the circumstances I think anyones would have spiked up.
While waiting for the pressure to drop my nurse had been filling me up with a hydrating saline solution. Then I could begin my Taxotere wich I take first. Well , as it started to go in I began to feel strange like something was stuck in my throat or esophagus area, definitely some pressure feeling. We are supposed to tell the nurse if we feel anything weird or strange however small, So I said to her, "I feel kind of weird"..."I"... and bamn that was all I could say cause then I couldn't breathe AT ALL. My nurse , Fran quicky turned off my taxotere and administered a benedryl injection and some steroid called solumedrol. Also she put some oxygen on my nose for better breathing, I felt better almost right away, just a litle scared that all of the nurses came over to make sure I was ok, then point at how red my face was and then point to bright red objects and say "you're face was that red!"
New drugs this week, something for B/P, and this time something for anxiety. It is for when I cant sleep from the dexamethasone I am taking to not have allergic reactions... hmm those sorta didnt work well this time.

Hair has pretty much fallen all out and I am a scarve hat lady, though I have seen some nice wigs lateley... hmm.

Other news, the neighbors had a fire that came across to this side of the fence. No damage to the shed that sits there, I think he(the neighbor) hosed it down while waiting for the fire fighters. So the fiefighters leave having cleared the area with a dirt break so nothing could escape during the night and burn more. Well around nine I took a peak outside and see that the fence up the hill is still burning . So the neighbor was awakened fire was buketted out the end.

Updates

So as I said before chemo went well. Until the Monday afterwards. I got pretty sick and had to leave work. Mostly it was diarhea, which I have meds for so I got back on track by Tuesday.
By this time I also started to develop a rash, which has turned out to be a type of acne. This is a reaction to the herceptin. Herceptin attacks a protein that my type of cancer uses more aggressively, but also this is a protein your skin needs too. So I now have an acne prescription too. This isnt normal acne, it covers my neck, chest and now face and scalp. It is painful and annoying.
Got some more emails from G. He seems to be truly happy and moving forward. He keeps implying he is seeing someone and wants to tell me about it. This is so hard to hear as I still love him. But since I do love him I really want him happy. I told him I probably need to hear about this new person in his life because I need to move forward too. I keep thinking that somehow we will get back together. But that sort of thing doesn't just "happen". Boy do I still need to really grow up. If I wanted to get back together I would probably actually have to tell him that ... uh yeah.
He went on about how he has moved forward because I havent needed him so far through this cancer thing, and he sees now that I am ok without him. So I of course blabbed how I do need him I just wont allow myself to actually ask for his help. This is the truth but may have totally beena killjoy to his new attitude in life. I should have been able to keep my mouth shut and let him bask in his happiness, I have a way to go in the growth department. I want to be able to feel joy in his joy, but its hard.

One down...

Had my first chemo yesterday. It went really well. No reactions or nausea. I take 4 chemo drugs so I was there a long time. Since each drug is given seperately via IV, the process takes about 4 hours minimum, more like 5. The drugs I take are Taxotere, Carbo, Herceptin and Avastin.
The Avastin is a clinical trial drug I am on. It is usualy used for more advanced cancers but there is a trial to see how it does for earlier stages like mine (2b).
I am really suprised at how well I feel. I think the anti-nausea meds really help with that. I also am taking a steroid (dexamethasone) so I dont develop any antibodies (allergies) to the drugs. I take that for a total of three days surrounding the days of chemo. That makes sleeping a bit difficult. I woke up around 3 this morning fully awake and couldn't go back to bed. The nurse offered me a pill for that but I think for 3 days I can go without that.